5 Ways to Spot a Jerk

[Lori Anne]

5 Ways to Spot a Jerk

by Eric J. Leech


Jerks are cruel, crass, and contemptible people. They have only one person's interests at heart and in mind -- their own. Despite most peoples' desire to stay away from them, they will always be an inevitable part of dating. The danger is that jerks often start out very charming. This can leave us blindsided to their worst qualities, while starting to fall for their best. Then, once the relationship is far enough along to make it more difficult to walk away, their true nature begins to rear its ugly head.

Jerks know their best audience, and so they tend to prey upon partners with the kindest hearts. This is because these generous people are usually the most accepting and forgiving of their faults. Here are five questions to ask yourself if you suspect you might be dating a jerk:

How do They Treat Others?
These folks often work from pre-drafted scripts, but what they can't always control is how they treat the people around the person they are trying to impress. This may be seen as rudeness towards a waiter, or a condescending remark to an ice cream vendor. Another clue is how they treat their own family. Even if you have never met their family, if they speak negatively of them, this could be a warning sign of how they will treat you later on. Just because you aren't the brunt of their wrath today doesn't mean you won't be tomorrow. In fact, it is inevitable you will one day be on the receiving end of this kind of behavior.

Are They Overly Critical?
One of the most common ways a jerk fails to cover their critical tendencies, is when talking about an ex. While their reasons may seem legit as to why they dislike these, as they say, "lazy," "boring," or "unkempt" folks, remember, you could be next in line. It is bad practice to bring up exes during a date, and even worse to talk about them negatively. Also, if after going out with someone for a period of time, you find yourself feeling depressed or disliking yourself, look very closely at how they make you feel. They may have already begun bringing you down. Negative gestures in the beginning can be subtle, so subtle in fact, you might not even recognize them until you're already miserably in love.

Are They Unavailable for Group Outings?
A jerk may be able to pull the wool over one person's eyes, but probably not their friends and family, too. For this reason, they will try to avoid group outings. Another sign of being in the clutches of a jerk is if you find yourself spending less time at these events. It may be subtle at first, such as 'something that just came up' that keeps you from going, but remember, the people who are important to you should also be important to your partner. To a jerk, their best position of control is when nobody else is around to challenge them, such as a concerned parent or friend. If the people around you are picking up warning signs, perhaps you should be as well.

Do They Have Unpredictable Mood Swings?
A jerk will inevitably lose their cool, which will be seen as a lack of emotional control or mood swings. Everybody has a bad day, but if you find their behavior particularly threatening, either physically or verbally, you are most certainly dealing with a jerk. A very dangerous one. And for those kind-hearted individuals who will see this as a challenge to help someone become a better person, may I remind you that these people rarely change. They are usually incredibly resistant to altering their core jerk qualities, and by choosing to become entangled with them, you are putting yourself into a dangerous situation. If they really want to change, point them towards a good counselor.

Are They Narcissistic?
A jerk has three best friends: 'me, myself, and I.' The narcissist doesn't care about anyone unless that person has something they want. If you happen to be among one of these desires, you could find yourself lavished by much attention, adoration, and romance. That is until the first problems appear, destroying their fantasy of your perfection, altering their focus from wooing to one of demand and criticism. These people may say, "I love you" within the first couple dates, then change their mind just as quickly. They usually have a long string of failed relationships (none of which are their fault, of course).

[lavender orchid]

the shoe fits me, dear jerk majority out there!

[Lori Anne]

I like this part especially.

A jerk may be able to pull the wool over one person's eyes, but probably not their friends and family, too. For this reason, they will try to avoid group outings. Another sign of being in the clutches of a jerk is if you find yourself spending less time at these events. It may be subtle at first, such as 'something that just came up' that keeps you from going, but remember, the people who are important to you should also be important to your partner. To a jerk, their best position of control is when nobody else is around to challenge them, such as a concerned parent or friend.

[lavender orchid]

[//^\\]

~

Ah, what an excellent lesson for me!  Thanks for the post!

Each, above, begins with, "Are THEY...Do THEY.....etc., etc."

All outward, not inward.

Why concern for THEY??

As Curtis Sensei told me....

"Don't be attached. And if I see someone doing something I don't like; smoking, drinking, (being a jerk,) dressing in some manner I don't feel is appropriate, if I think, "This is wrong, because this person has attachment", then I may be right or I may be wrong about their attachment, but certainly I am the one who is attached. I have become a slave to this idea, because my mind is caught upon it. I must be very careful. Because there's nothing more unfortunate than thinking myself free of something myself, but continuing to be attached because of my judgment of others.

Competitiveness and Judgement.

Outward, not inward.

Can anyone else take this personally and see what you're doing with this thread??

Beautiful lesson for starting the day....

Kris





 

[lavender orchid]

if you excuse me, and perhaps let me love my attachments..





thoroughly unambiguous about them!

[Lori Anne]

~

Ah, what an excellent lesson for me!  Thanks for the post!

Each, above, begins with, "Are THEY...Do THEY.....etc., etc."

All outward, not inward.

Why concern for THEY??

 

The concern for 'they' is because I have problems knowing how to spot a jerk until I am well into a relationship with one.  Good to have some warnings to look out for -- for next time.
I'm just learning. Of course this lesson is not for everyone,  but if it's helpful to anyone else  then I am happy to have posted it.

I don't care if people want to be jerks,  it's fine with me, as long as I am not romantically involved with them..


PS I am not judging anyone's attachments,  I simply don't want to live with an ASSHOLE! 

[Lori Anne]

So pretty!

[lavender orchid]

The concern for 'they' is because I have problems knowing how to spot a jerk until I am well into a relationship with one.  Good to have some warnings to look out for -- for next time.
I'm just learning. Of course this lesson is not for everyone,  but if it's helpful to anyone else  then I am happy to have posted it.

I don't care if people want to be jerks,  it's fine with me, as long as I am not romantically involved with them..


PS I am not judging anyone's attachments,  I simply don't want to live with an ASSHOLE! 

learning the miracles of anatomy?
how to get rid of the one before your eyesight?

sorry, if that may be a case for professional care! 

[//^\\]

~

~

Aha!  Let's use this as an example:

Lori wrote:  The concern for 'they' is because I have problems knowing how to spot a jerk until I am well into a relationship with one.  Good to have some warnings to look out for -- for next time.

Kris:  Read this reply of yours a couple of times and really 'see' what it is you're saying.

What's a jerk?  Who's determining this?  YOU!  Your history and filters are 'creating' the 'jerk.'  Inward, not outward.  Your perception is creating your reality.  A 'jerk' to you may be a perfect fit for anothers personal history.  But again, that's YOU determining this.   

When you say, "I have problems....," this is inward.  Yes, YOU are the determining/deciding factor.  You also mention, "Warning to look out for...."  This sounds external, but it's not, really.  YOU create the 'model jerk,' then project it outward to whomever or whatever 'fits' into YOUR description.   

Lori:  I'm just learning. Of course this lesson is not for everyone, but if it's helpful to anyone else then I am happy to have posted it.

Kris:  Sure, we're all learning.  The key, at least for me, is to look inward and understanding 'what' and 'how' I'm creating this profile of a 'jerk.'  What's creating this?  What personal history, values, morals, beliefs, jugements are creating this in us?  Hey, we all do it.  The issue that raises its ugly head is when we project this outward and label others as such.  The example of this is in your next statement:   

Lori:  I don't care if people want to be jerks,  it's fine with me, as long as I am not romantically involved with them..


PS I am not judging anyone's attachments,  I simply don't want to live with an ASSHOLE! 

Kris

[Lori Anne]

I understand what you are saying and am looking at it from this level as well.  However there is a more practic-al level to this sort of thing,  here now life-living that I need to be able to see from.

The key, at least for me, is to look inward and understanding 'what' and 'how' I'm creating this profile of a 'jerk.'  What's creating this?  What personal history, values, morals, beliefs, jugements are creating this in us?   

Yes, Kris I do understand how and why I created this and part of the reason I am posting this article is because i now understand how this all came into play.  It's important for me not to follow this path again.

I could take the label "jerk"  off and still say that there are some behaviours that I simply won't tolerate in future healthy relationships.  (LOL I said jerk-off  )

The point here,  I think, is not in the labelling,  but in the learning or patterns and behaviours.

[lavender orchid]

sorry, to be again the jerk that may disturb your perfect harmony now...

their pain is mine / our pain, and not much joy it would ever transform again.

once bitten, twice shy, and no apologies!

btw. three's a crowd. good night.

[clouds]

One notice
that this topic is in the Caravan category.

Got to say...
Good intention 

P.S. Who ain't a jerk sometimes...

[Lori Anne]

One notice
that this topic is in the Caravan category.

Got to say...
Good intention 

P.S. Who ain't a jerk sometimes...

Good point!