Dont know what to do????

[leeslight]

Hi guys,

Lots and Lots of stuff has happened in my life, and now i'm a a cross roads and don't know in what direction to go in.

I have been doing some cleaning out, as such, getting my mind and body in a better place.. healthy living (dieting   lol) and I must say I have lost a lot of weight, which has me fired up to keep going to reach my goal weight.

ok the situation I need help on is this.... Me and my partner have had some rough times, and added stress and pressures from our families on different things hasn't helped us. Mid January this year we hit a rough patch, and I was just getting sick of the situation we were in, sick of family members and I just wanted everything to just go away.. it was really doing my head in. I pushed my partner away.. I know that, he cares for his mother and lives with her, but before January he was also living with me and his baby daughter... say 3 days a week... what ate at me was that he was putting mother first, I can understand that she needs help but it was effecting us.. cause if he wasn't with us or at his mothers place he was going out to the clubs. If you were a committed family guy you wouldn't do that... would you??? I just hated it....

So by 20th of jan I got some drunken text messages.. I was half asleep trying to understand what was being said... he said something about i should see some-one else.. I told him I wasn't happy but couldn't talk to him like this talk to me when you were sober.... and he never did.

I got one or two random text messages, like on my birthday 1st Feb he text "hot ay" now wtf was that??

Now by the 4th Feb I found out he had slept with some-one... he broke my heart....

He had gotten on a power trip demanding to see his daughter when he wanted or he was going to seek legal advice... along with other crap he was giving me.. I went and actually got advice and know that he hasn't a leg to stand on and that he was all hot air.

Mid March he started to say sorry, it was non and mix communication between us.... I put it to him about the person he slept with at first he kinda admitted, it and then the next week denied it. He wanted to work things out... I just couldn't get my head passed this one night stand and I don't think I still can, not really. Because to me, if he truly loved me, wouldn't he come around to see me, face to face and sort us out before he decided to jump into bed with someone else.

Ok I know also I know I pushed him away... sooo am I being pig headed???

Any way I flung all my proof out at him and he was telling me sorry, please give him a second chance... give him a chance to make things right, and to do the right thing... he'll do anything, he loves me soooo much and the rest of it.

Now we are working things out, I told him what I expect from him and he said he can do that.... our biggest problem is him looking after his mother around the clock, she is just demanding and plain lazy.... gets him to do everything its unbelievable. His mother has just gone through a nasty divorce, and the youngest son is steeling her money.... sooo my partner can't leave her not now, because she'll be left with nothing. In a few short weeks he has managed to take 42 thousand plus.... This younger brother and his girl friend are such scammers and trouble makers, making life hard for my partner and his mother, telling them what to do all the time... I said hang on your a grown man stand up to them, Soooo to cut a long story short, both my partner and his mother are standing up to them.

But where does that leave us??? How do we move on?

Live apart, have sleep overs??? live at two places? Till when till the mother dies??? she has a good 20 to 30 odd years in her...

My ideal world is... for us to be all together, my partner to look after us, live in one place... go and help his mother when she needs him, and not just to get milk from the corner shop.... we can all go over and see her weekends, he can to her lawns and what needs to be done for her.

Is that asking too much?

I think also... he needs to see his mother through, getting her house redone, hand rails put in , bathroom re-done, the whole house basically, and then settled... but he has to leave after that....

Now the reality - That wont happen unless, his mother goes back on her word in defending him against the younger brother, and there is a big falling out, and my partner just walks out turning his back on them all.

Do I want to live like that???/ Can I live like that??? Is it fair to live like that???

My daughter starts school next year so things will have to change again. My daughter comes first and her needs.... so I think I will have to get a little stronger and say... Now you work around me and ya daughter and you can work it out.... wow!!!! I think I have just found a little answer... talking this out like this, has helped me alot, cleared some of the fuzzies....

Like to hear your opinion and what you feel I should do?

Love and Light
 

[Lori Anne]

Hello Leeslight, just wanna let you know that I read this, and don't have time for reply right now, headin to work.

I'll be back after to chat and hopefully lavender or somebody ca jump in in the meantime.   Hang in there, chin up, good work on the healthy life choices.

Many hugs and much love

Lori-ann

[lavender orchid]

I'll be back after to chat and hopefully lavender or somebody ca jump in in the meantime.   Hang in there, chin up, good work on the healthy life choices.

Many hugs and much love

\!!

dear Lori-Ann:

are you passing on a staff or pulling my leg?
remember, a plant's legs or roots must be treated with gentle care and great respect.

\!!

dear Leeslight:

i truly sympathize with this patchwork mess you describe
a good community should help everyone involved, and i think help is underway.

for the moment, it may just seem like....


much love and do keep us posted...

\!!

remember, all work-outs are on the heart-start programme, ok?

\!!

[Lori Anne]

First of all, NO you are not being too hard on him!!  You are not, he hurt you and that is not okay.  There are other ways that adults work things out, besides sleeping with another person.   Number two, you are right to tell him that your daughter comes first, good girl!  But also in that mix, you need to put yourself first too.  That means not settling for anything but that which will make you and your daughter happy.   If your partner has deep family issues to work out, those are his deals -- his choices and decisions.   

My suggestion is to keep working out, getting your body healthy helps to get your mind healthy which helps build the confidence you need.   And keep your word.   If there are things he must do, before you consider taking him back, then be sure he does them.  Words are cheap!  And coming from someone who has been in and out of the cycle of abuse (emotional abuse is wrong, too)  I know that the honeynoom phase, where he apo0logizes and says all the right things doesn't last forever and eventually we are back to exactly what we didn't want to happen again. 

Be strong, know that you and your daughter deserve the best.  And don't settle for less, even if it means letting him go.   He will do fine without you, and you may find, once the hurt is gone, that you do much much better, without him!

Good luck and please keep us posted.  Much love
L

I highlighted some of the things which you shared in your orignal post that are NOT okay for him to do to you.   You deserve better!!! 
Also put some commentary in lime green, beside your words. 

Hi guys,

Lots and Lots of stuff has happened in my life, and now i'm a a cross roads and don't know in what direction to go in.

I have been doing some cleaning out, as such, getting my mind and body in a better place.. healthy living (dieting   lol) and I must say I have lost a lot of weight, which has me fired up to keep going to reach my goal weight.

ok the situation I need help on is this.... Me and my partner have had some rough times, and added stress and pressures from our families on different things hasn't helped us. Mid January this year we hit a rough patch, and I was just getting sick of the situation we were in, sick of family members and I just wanted everything to just go away.. it was really doing my head in. I pushed my partner away.. I know that, he cares for his mother and lives with her, but before January he was also living with me and his baby daughter... say 3 days a week... what ate at me was that he was putting mother first, I can understand that she needs help but it was effecting us.. cause if he wasn't with us or at his mothers place he was going out to the clubs. If you were a committed family guy you wouldn't do that... would you??? I just hated it....

So by 20th of jan I got some drunken text messages.. I was half asleep trying to understand what was being said... he said something about i should see some-one else.. I told him I wasn't happy but couldn't talk to him like this talk to me when you were sober.... and he never did.

I got one or two random text messages, like on my birthday 1st Feb he text "hot ay" now wtf was that??

Now by the 4th Feb I found out he had slept with some-one... he broke my heart....

He had gotten on a power trip demanding to see his daughter when he wanted or he was going to seek legal advice... along with other crap he was giving me.. I went and actually got advice and know that he hasn't a leg to stand on and that he was all hot air.

Mid March he started to say sorry, it was non and mix communication between us.... I put it to him about the person he slept with at first he kinda admitted, it and then the next week denied it. He wanted to work things out... I just couldn't get my head passed this one night stand and I don't think I still can, not really. Because to me, if he truly loved me, wouldn't he come around to see me, face to face and sort us out before he decided to jump into bed with someone else.

Ok I know also I know I pushed him away... sooo am I being pig headed???

NO YOU DIDNT PUSH HIM AWAY.   THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!

Any way I flung all my proof out at him and he was telling me sorry, please give him a second chance... give him a chance to make things right, and to do the right thing... he'll do anything, he loves me soooo much and the rest of it.

Now we are working things out, I told him what I expect from him and he said he can do that.... our biggest problem is him looking after his mother around the clock, she is just demanding and plain lazy.... gets him to do everything its unbelievable. His mother has just gone through a nasty divorce, and the youngest son is steeling her money.... sooo my partner can't leave her not now, because she'll be left with nothing. In a few short weeks he has managed to take 42 thousand plus.... This younger brother and his girl friend are such scammers and trouble makers, making life hard for my partner and his mother, telling them what to do all the time... I said hang on your a grown man stand up to them, Soooo to cut a long story short, both my partner and his mother are standing up to them.

But where does that leave us??? How do we move on?

Live apart, have sleep overs??? live at two places? Till when till the mother dies??? she has a good 20 to 30 odd years in her...

My ideal world is... for us to be all together, my partner to look after us, live in one place... go and help his mother when she needs him, and not just to get milk from the corner shop.... we can all go over and see her weekends, he can to her lawns and what needs to be done for her.

Is that asking too much?  This is NOT asking too much.  This is what you deserve.  If not with him, then with someone who will give you this. 

I think also... he needs to see his mother through, getting her house redone, hand rails put in , bathroom re-done, the whole house basically, and then settled... but he has to leave after that....

Now the reality - That wont happen unless, his mother goes back on her word in defending him against the younger brother, and there is a big falling out, and my partner just walks out turning his back on them all.

Do I want to live like that???/ Can I live like that??? Is it fair to live like that???

My daughter starts school next year so things will have to change again. My daughter comes first and her needs.... so I think I will have to get a little stronger and say... Now you work around me and ya daughter and you can work it out.... wow!!!! I think I have just found a little answer... talking this out like this, has helped me alot, cleared some of the fuzzies....

Like to hear your opinion and what you feel I should do?

Love and Light
 

[lavender orchid]

thanks, Lori-Ann, you are a great sister in spirit, just as i still have to work on other levels ....

\!!

a spiritual connection like this must be honored, you know .....

[leeslight]

Hi guys,

Thank you soo much for your response, and your right, he has to prove himself, soo I am being very cautious where he is concerned. Your right its his family and his problem, I can only listen to his crap.. lol but I have decided that yes I do come first with my daughter.. And I'm finding myself speaking up more, if I dont like it, I'll make a comment thats negative, and he gets it and if he don't I have been blunt.

 I have to think of me and my daughter and whats best for us... he is thinking of him self and his mother, and it feels good when I point that out, I know it may seem petty and a little childish.. but I'm sick of it. eg/ he told me he was going to a meat raffle.. so I said your at a place where your not suppose to be and..... he covered himself by saying im trying to win meat for the bbq we were having the next day.... he text me saying he won a big tray..... now I knew for a fact.. I would not see it... he would give it to his mother.... now not that I cared, I was covered in that area... but everything he does, fish, shop win something... it all goes to her.... thats my point.   So last night he won a big tray apparently.. I just said thats nice ya mother will be happy with it.... he said oh I have some for you too, I said crap, it wont get passed ya mother, think about ya daughter some times will you!

Hmmm sounds a bit nasty but Grrrrrrrrrrr..... lol

Ihave decided I will only give so much, like you said the sorry and honey moon stage wears off and it all goes back to how it was. He knows what I want, couldn't have explained it any clearer to him.. I know if I'm patient enough it'll all work out.... but I wont wait around for ever.

I am seeing him tomorrow, his mother is letting him off the leash for a little while, well just till dinner time, then he has to be home to make her dinner..... Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......

Thats fine... for the moment.... If he decides out of the blu he has had enough of his family... It will be my rules then.... I don't want to put my foot down, but his family will come last, not out of the picture his mother will be included and have family events and stuff, that doesn't bother me... and it wont bother me if they don't come to the party either...

I have my Interests that I have decided to pursue instead put on hold, he can work around me for a change.


Love and Light
 

[lavender orchid]

\!!

yeah yeah, this is for your devil:

[leeslight]

ok I get the point 

[lavender orchid]

\!!

ok I get the point 

well, collecting points should increase your popularity, not make you cry.

 

[Lori Anne]

ok I get the point 

I hope you are okay Lee,  I didn't mean for anything we said here to make you cry. 

[leesghost]

OK...

Alot has happened  since i have been gone.... and  much HAPPY to say HE IS GONE....... couldn't do it, couldn't live like that...

I'M FREEEEEEEEEE.....

I have turned back into my Spiritualism to find my self and learn from it....

One of the hardest things was to let go and mean it... releasing him was releasing me and becoming whole again... and I feel lighter and happier for it.

Sorry for the emotional rantings lol.... little embarrassed about that... lol

I have lost 10 kilo's and on ward bound to rebuild my new life... i have refurnish half my home, removing all the negativity from my home that once was.

Getting my little one into a routine was a little harder because she was confused what was and is going on around her.. but she is starting settle, going to sleep early well at her bed time now 3 hours after.. Grrrrr Eating more healthy now, and she is actually starting to eat... (she only ate junk and picked at her meals....)

I don't know what game he is playing, or his mind has completely gone.. his social life interfered with the arrangement i made to see his daughter, he tried to convince me i said one thing and he turned it into an excuse for not meet up with us to see her... I tried to tell him other wise but he didn't want to listen and said if he didnt get his way he would be taking me to mediation and getting what he wants....... in other words he is trying to bully me... well that wont work...lol not any more... i have told him he can ring her any day but at a reasonable hour, not once has he rang.... he said he would ring last Saturday but never did... lets see if he will ring today....

look his life ifs his life, he goes out 6 days a week, back with the same girl he slept with in feb... drinking and playing darts... when he is suppose to be a full time carer of his mentally ill mother. He wanted to come to my home spend the day during the week..... it was more accommodating for him.... why does he think he can make the rules now??/

He doesn't.....!!!! lol

I'm thank full for lori for bringing me back to here... I think i had to be away to work things out , that and my computer problems... lol but then everything happens for a reason.....

love and light

[Lori Anne]

Well, that was a joy to read!  You sound very much stronger than you were when you were here last.  I am happy to see that you are asking for and getting what you deserve. And yes, yes YES!  Everything happens for a reason!
Good job Lee!

[lavender orchid]

\!!

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