I am new on this group

[FunkyPlasma]

Bhairavi wrote:  For the record I also recommend going out and helping others, like if Mr T gets involved helping others, like doing volunteer work in some form, working with the elderly, some donation org, something, that may also give some balance of the effects too, get him on the track why spirit chose to zap him when did, or what the timing/trigger was for it all.

I think that sounds very nice in principle

I like the idea of doing some voluntary work myself, but I feel frightened in case anyone is hostile to me

I might have been doing a little voluntary work by now, but a man who claimed to have a fifth dan in kick-boxing, started behaving oddly to me, at the place I went to...ummm...he was there to get training for a paid job

Also, I do not drive, which is a bit of a problem


Love,

Michaelwoof

[Sano Mor]

to be in service can be within any form
feed the birds...love the sun...the plants...the clouds...
love your mind
enjoy your mind...even when it likes to feel mad and silly
be active...choose a path...or you will be swamped by one not of your choosing
in the end...it is all the same...yet we must be something...choose positivity
when you wake in the morning...and the anxiety arises as you recollect the fragments of awareness of who you think you are...
just listen...listen to the birds....shut your eyes....listen to the world...breathe
and then tell your self what wonderful positive things you wish to experience this day
if anxiety arises anytime...roll your eyes to break the fixation
if the front of the head feels like to explode....shut your eyes and split your vision to each side of the head...moving each eye awareness to the back of the head
gently
it does not matter if you cannot drive...or run...or fly...
your enviroment contains everything you need to do or be...
all is you....all is your enviroment...all information is always at hand
...yep...i've had some strange martial art type thingy guys behaving strangely too...as you look away glimpse the frightened child looking through their eyes
people only really see their personal television screen...why try to see their programming?
hey...must try the tongue thing...tho i gotta very tickly roof of the mouth lol
i would say that many look for peace...joy...completeness...yet these are descriptions of states of being...more descriptions...
for me...there is no peace no joy no completeness no nirvana
i exist on the ever moving edge of uncomfortable ...nothing to reach for...no state of being to attain
all the wrong you feel sits just in front of the right
behind these is something that just is
so head into the wrong find the right then let that go

Tilopa's Six Words of Advice...

Don't Recall...let go of what has passed
Don't Imagine...let go of what may come
Don't Think...let go of what is happening now
Don't Examine...don't try to figure anything out
Don't Control....don't try to make anything happen
Rest...Relax,right now, and rest

clever fella ole Tilopa  ;-)

[FunkyPlasma]

"...yep...i've had some strange martial art type thingy guys behaving strangely too...as you look away glimpse the frightened child looking through their eyes"


Actually, I did notice that

But it still does not encourage one to feel safe, even if I did do voluntary work


Love,

Michaelwoof

[Daniel in the Lions Den]

Hi freinds

I joiined this forum a few weeks back.

I am writing this post in a very desperate state.

Welcome,

My only fair comment is that I will not pose that I can help you. I aim to stick to that statement not becuase I don't want to but because I have no desire to appear as a solution to people's struggles. There may be some knowledge within me that could somehow help, but the only knowledge that will actually help is the knowledge within you.
I cannot affect your fate...

[FunkyPlasma]

The best long-term healing anyone can have is to change on the inside, in order to avert recurrent problems

An over-active mind can manifest in lots of ways.

Mr. Truth mentioned obsessions.

I would suggest obsessions can be a symptom of an over-active mind.

Then again, some people who may be considered high achievers may exhibit traits that some might regard as obsessive, with regard to pursuit of achievements of any kind

I suppose even a search for truth could be regarded as obsessive, if applied to extreme

As with all things, to turn a negative into a positive, may simply be a matter of perception: how one applies what some might regard as human frailties in ways that are consistent with a higher good.

Well, I am sure what I have said are by no means whatsover exaustive suggestions, with regard to obsessions, to say the least.

Obsession can also be a symptom of anxiety and anxiety too comes from mind

Will prolly post more later


We make our choices and we choose our own path


Love,

Michaelwoof

[songbird]

Welcome,

My only fair comment is that I will not pose that I can help you. I aim to stick to that statement not becuase I don't want to but because I have no desire to appear as a solution to people's struggles. There may be some knowledge within me that could somehow help, but the only knowledge that will actually help is the knowledge within you.
I cannot affect your fate...

It is very honest of you to say this, Daniel.  It's important also I think for those of us who can (potentially) help to do what we can do for our brothers and sisters.  Our gifts have been given to us, not so that we may shy away from using them out of fear or doubt and a misplaced sense of right and wrong.  We have been given gifts of healing, of light and love and energy and empathy and compassion for others so that we may use them to share and grow as individuals and as a whole. 

[FunkyPlasma]

Daniel wrote:

Welcome,

My only fair comment is that I will not pose that I can help you. I aim to stick to that statement not becuase I don't want to but because I have no desire to appear as a solution to people's struggles. There may be some knowledge within me that could somehow help, but the only knowledge that will actually help is the knowledge within you.
I cannot affect your fate...


Michael says:

Anyone who has felt pain has a potential to understand fellow humans

I find what you say very humble.

But let us draw a distinction between humility and positive "or" negative thinking.

Most people are a combination of both.

In providing a listening ear we can help.

If a being feels misunderstood by most of the people they meet, something so simple as a person being in touch with people who it is felt even partially understand, can make a difference.

None of us are perfect.

I do not personally consider myself to be enlightened - yet anyone can make a difference, from a humble caterpillar to a grain of sand, to a "grand" master, of some description.

The whole universe fits together.

Mr. Truth - may I enquire what attempts you make to heal on the inside?

All of the ways you have tried?

And how often?

Many thanks


Love,

Michaelwoof

[FunkyPlasma]

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

People with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) suffer from unwanted and intrusive thoughts that they can't seem to get out of their heads (obsessions), often compelling them to repeatedly perform ritualistic behaviors and routines (compulsions) to try and ease their anxiety. Most people who have OCD are aware that their obsessions and compulsions are irrational, yet they feel powerless to stop them. Some spend hours at a time performing complicated rituals involving hand-washing, counting, or checking to ward off persistent, unwelcome thoughts, feelings, or images.


Obsessions — unwanted intrusive thoughts

Constant, irrational worry about dirt, germs, or contamination.

Excessive concern with order, arrangement, or symmetry.

Fear that negative or aggressive thoughts or impulses will cause personal harm or harm to a loved one.

Preoccupation with losing or throwing away objects with little or no value.

Excessive concern about accidentally or purposefully injuring another person.

Feeling overly responsible for the safety of others.

Distasteful religious and sexual thoughts or images.

Doubting that is irrational or excessive.


Compulsions — ritualistic behaviors and routines to ease anxiety or distress

Cleaning — Repeatedly washing one’s hands, bathing, or cleaning household items, often for hours at a time.

Checking — Checking and re-checking several to hundreds of times a day that the doors are locked, the stove is turned off, the hairdryer is unplugged, etc.

Repeating — Inability to stop repeating a name, phrase, or simple activity (such as going through a doorway over and over).

Hoarding — Difficulty throwing away useless items such as old newspapers or magazines, bottle caps, or rubber bands.
Touching and arranging

Mental rituals — Endless reviewing of conversations, counting; repetitively calling up “good” thoughts to neutralize “bad” thoughts or obsessions; or excessive praying and using special words or phrases to neutralize obsessions.


Obsessions and rituals associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder can interfere with a person's normal routine, schoolwork, job, family, or social activities. Several hours every day may be spent focusing on obsessive thoughts and performing seemingly senseless rituals. Trying to concentrate on daily activities may be difficult. Left untreated, OCD can interfere with all aspects of life.


Children can suffer from OCD as well (see Helping a Child with OCD and Anxiety Disorders in Children and Teens). Unlike adults, however, children with OCD do not realize that their obsessions and compulsions are excessive."


source: http://www.adaa.org/gettingHelp/AnxietyDisorders/OCD.asp


Love,

Michaelwoof

[FunkyPlasma]

SELF-TEST
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

http://www.adaa.org/GettingHelp/SelfHelpTests/selftest_OCD.asp


The above is a test - it is not the same thing as diagnosis


Love,

Michaelwoof

[Mr Truth]

Hello freinds

I am grateful for your replies, al of them have been valuable to me and i am glad to be on this group.

Someone mentioned about the depression group, i did realise this that the most important thing for me to do is to talk and reach out, i have always avoided myself and rstrained from sharing, the fear of being misunderstood, vulnerability and the effort involved in expressing and talking kept me isolated. Also there were few people around actually none who could understand me even when i tried.

Last year when i was oing through a severe suicidal depression and i realised that i had gone through so much without uttering a word that i needed to talk, i started going to NA meetings. I got clean 7 years back. In one year of attending somewhat regular meetings i gained  much more than i lost. By voicing my thoughts and issues in a group they lost there power over me, by listening to others i realised i wasn't so different after all, the biggest change was that a lot of my delusions about myself, my complexes, ego defenses and misconceptions came to light. I also enjoyed each and every hug after the meeting as i was so touch deprived. The flip side was that i hurt myself several times and did injustice to my emotions by submitting to people who won't understand me at least in this lifetime. My low self worth and frail sense of identity often led me into deluding myself that i was one of them, some nasty cross sharings really hurt me especially by people who were very average in life...the low level of awareness and understanding of human issues and problems of the group was not very welcoming... just like the soceity the group had a very narrow understanding of things, resistance to new ideas and shunning those who felt or thought differently. This was very discouraging too. I was sympathised and patronised by people who were not even aware of there own problems, in my low self esteem i rationalised all that and later felt were angry.....The fanatic attitude and the christian moral pschycology was really irritating..

I exposed myself and learnt along the way however i always tried not to be a regular and become a part of the group .beyond a point i could not share myself much,

Later on my path i transited from judging others and myself so i was more open and related more, i also started sharing slightly more freely but i was still cautious...

But i realised that in my worst states of confusion and madness i could not go there and share openly about what i was expereincing, i could only talk vaguely and indirectly. And in such states if i go to these meetings for long i begin to get brainwashed by the rhetoric views.

But i still had to go because there is no other place that i have .(i am in Delhi, india and i don't know of any other depression group) ii can't recover without a long term group therapy i just can't do that, i have been strneghting my streths and  avoidng what i need to do the most - to share. I would do anything, try to control everything but for talking and reaching out). i had more to gain than to loose. In recent times, when my alienation and dissocitation reached its peak i realised that i have no choice but to share regularly and i need to do this for many years, if i had to get better. I  started taking meetings more seriously and i told myself that no matter what i need to go everyday and share. I also realised that i had become too narsiccistic and there is no way i can by pass my human needs of sharing and relating, i would have to expose myself and stop letting my ego and my abilities o come in my way of being human like everyone else. There is lot that i have gone all alone and my biggest greif had been to not be able to explain it to anyone. I just can't go on alone anymore, i just can't do those runs or yoga in which i never get relaxed to feel in control and try an manage things with will power. It feels like i am killing myself.

 By this time i had realised that i was not so important. But i undervalue myself as much as i overvalue myself.

i started making attempts to expose myself and give words to my weirdst thoughts and nature of my thinking no matter how vulnerable i felt. yesterday i started sharing about my current state where my pschological/emotional problems have made me mad and thrown me on a reversal desite having intuted pschycic truths. For this i first had to talk a little about my history and spirtiual developments, this was too overwhelming for the group as for the soceity to have someone saying "i am enlightened and i am still suffering". people cross shared vehemently and made a laughing joke of me, they said i was being arrogant and crazy, and all sorts of things anyone speaking truth gets to hear. I knew it hurt my soul though i have been so dissociated that i couldn't feel anything still and was numb.. But when in phases i recall it i feet really angry at myself...I have done this so many times-got humiliated by idiots. Now, if i was stable and clear in my own head i could have understood this resistance and handled it.

I have never been able to reflect on the outside how inense i am from the inside, this makes it very frustrating for me to not be able to communicate what i know so well. But because i am so obsessed with thinking and understanding that i am never satisfied in my own head therefore i can never say anything because for me nothing ever is perfect.....the simple truths are not enough for me and i am so obsessed to the exent of irrationality that i am not able to show that i know all that you might call enlightened words but i don't say them because they are not anough for me and i never feel arrived.....this makes me very unhappy because i am neither happy in my head nor am i happy beng underrated, misunderstood and not ragarded.

I have been in a doubt since this last meeting whether i should go again and if i do then how much or how little should i share and whther it will confuse me even more. Will i, like everyone else l start beleiving the moral bull ****..i am susceptble to it because i am an insecure poor child who has slogged all his life to strenthen his ego, develop several skills and acheive many a feats but still feels worthless and makes another higher power...i loose myself..my identity..

I don't know what to do..i will still have to go and learn these social skills...but my needs are unfulfilled..

My problems are problems of fear, insecurity and shame coupled with a very complex mind - a type 5, which makes it difficult for me to win from my mind. +I am too strong and as much is my mind, i am so conscious and vigilant that invariably negativitiy wins . My ego has attached itself to my  lifelong suffering and extreme pain caused by such an impossible mind.

About medicines-i am currently on 200 mg of lamotrigine and i phasing it off. i was on 400 mg, its ****ty medicine like all others, which has displaced and confused me much more. So i haven't expereinced full kundlini in past  6 months as these medcines have been curbing it.' I don't know how will i cope with the symptoms which are getting back as i am tapering them off. Also for my current mental state i doubt if kundalini would make things better but still being on medicines is no solution, it has been advised to me my a very wise person to avoid kundalini at the moment in this state as it would increase my confusion 10 times, i agree with him but my major suffering comes from repressed emotions and obsessiveess arising from displacement from traumatic memories of a life full of failures and negativitiy and a major trauma in infancy. and i wonder if i will be able to do this without the energies. I need to get in touch with my feelings and repressed memories and integrate. I also wonder, will i be able to stop kundalini if i want to without medicines, i do think that through will it might be possible to tell your mind to hold it. But then will i be able to be mindful as i resolve my emotional problems without kundalini? I don't know what to do?

I went to a ayurveda doctor yesterday and took some herbal medicines from him for my messed up brain chemisty and extremely hyper active mind, i am so much in my head that i don't feel my body.

Now the medicines he gave me also contain ashwagandha besides sevral other herbs, ever since i have taken them i have been feeling sedated and all my awareness has gone for a toss, there is a sense of calm as one woulkd get on drugs but the mind is even more confused and ignorantly blissful. Now i am not sure whether i should take these medicines or not, i do need to strenghthen and calm my nervous system but not at the cost of my awareness and i certainly don't want to be sedated,

Do you think when i am off lamotrigine totally then despite the effect of these herbs i would still be aware.  I am not being able to decide, its very difficult for me to take decisions. My brain chemistry is indeed in bad state.should i stay on them for some time  inspite of its sedating effects to balance my brain chemistry, which has been messed up for ages now....


ii don't have problem to be functional and get up from my bed and go for a run even when expereincing suicidal depression, my problem is of repression and too much of masculanity so i don't really need drugs, i do needs herbs to improve my nervous systems and balance life forces but not to sedate myself.

I feel too drugged at present as i write this mail. Just because i didn't want to procatinate replying so i wrote nevertheless.

Right now i am not aware of my confusion and problems but where i left it before i took these medcines day before yesterday, i was and am loosing my ability to stay mindful and be aware, i am not even realising it, this has created a lot of karma for me in recent past, i am now  begining to loose it and i feel i have gone too far to regenrate myself and i don't know why my intution tells me that i would go back to the old world of ignorance and get lost again and this would go on for few years...i can't afford to part with truth at any cost ...

for me higher states of consciousness was in itself an ego pursuit aimed at being great and good, i tortured my self being an ascetic and this gave me releif from inherent feelings of guilt and shame as i was assured that i was doing something noblle, idela and great. Thats what my effort has been all my life - to be good as don't think i am good enough. I realised i was never looking for peace and freedom anwyays...and when i realised that here was nothing good that i ws pursuing, it was only about knowing...there was no possibility of being great or special..it was the biggest shock to my ego and shame..now my motivation to strive for my ideal got weakened, earlier i had this tremndous fear of going wrong and deviating from my path but now since i wasn't doing anything good anyways so i started taking it lightly and somewhere i also assumed that now since i am aware i won't loose it..since then have been gradually loosing my awareness and drive...

More thsn that it was my insecurity, shame and obsessiveness which made it impossible to stay with awareness and clarity and feel worthy for it. I got so scared of my own mind and its abiltiies to see and think so much and so literally and rationaally that i stopped trying to acess these states. My rational side is far too developed and the hyper vigilance made me unfold and understand even the minutest of rational truth, to be able to see and unfold every phenomenon in life, to see reasons behind everything aqnd find nothing is sacred or good really scared and disappointed me. I got more and more obsessed to find ways to understand or to understand and find out that there was at least something that was unconditional and absolute, some god that existed without praying and my without my creation, at least something that was permananent and would stay without doing, that non-doing din't require any doing...so on and so forth..i was looking for this because i was insecure and ashamed i didn't want to be wrong and imperfect...and of course  It was a big existentialist shock as well as a shock for my ego..

 I never actually got into the divine space at all , i was always in my head i thouhgt, thought and thought, saw, saw and saw, understood, understood and understood ..and the worst is that this is the least i wanted to do ..there were beautiful moments of the heart but there was such immense fear to loose them and so the need to make sure everything was perfect....and so on so forth.... in fact the desire to be in union was not that strong, all i was looking at was to be aware of truth and use my awareness to feel confident so that i feel in control in the world, the desire to meet my unfulfilled human needs and attention was stronger than desire to submerge with the divine, so i was hoping to hold on to a a base level of awareness ..

will write more soon..

love

Mr T
" does the grass think whether its being good or bad, does the river has any ideals, does the tree feel guilty for not doing anough ? to simply exist, i have to feel worthy."1

[songbird]

Mr. Truth



love
 

[♀♥Lady Urania♥♀]

It is very honest of you to say this, Daniel.  It's important also I think for those of us who can (potentially) help to do what we can do for our brothers and sisters.  Our gifts have been given to us, not so that we may shy away from using them out of fear or doubt and a misplaced sense of right and wrong.  We have been given gifts of healing, of light and love and energy and empathy and compassion for others so that we may use them to share and grow as individuals and as a whole. 

Very well said.

[Mr Truth]

Hi Michael wolf

I am not ocd i am an ocpd if you were to choose to a label that explains my personality better. This links talks about exactly whats happening with me and the dissociation i am expereincing.

http://traumatherapy.typepad.com/trauma_attachment_therapy/structural_dissociation/index.html

Some features of my personality are chareristics of my sous like extreme sensitivity, introversion and extreme complexity of thought.

But my ego defences, obsessiveness and disociation is coming from a traumatic even in my childhood - i witnessed my parents murder in a riot by a mobs when i was 5, now this led to the memories of this event being repressed because the feeling associated with it were undearable for the mind so a lot of anxiety has been attached to this memory, which keeps me away and displaced through obsessive ruminations and compulsions so that i don't have to feel those emotions however if only i can relive these meories along with the feelings assoociated with it and the negative valuation of the event, the anxiety can disapper and i can begin to not let that anxiety effect my current life, just like this event the majority of lte memories remind me  of my failures in life so the sense of self is associated with memories of me that i dislike.

but the anxiety is so massive that it has kept me displaced from reliving these meories and removing the anxiety attached with them. AS

[Mr Truth]

I posted an incomplete message by mistake so here is the continuation...

as a result  whole life i have been avodiing mysellf and my feelings and now i have become split because of this..

what i am doing to heal from within: at present the most important thing for my healing  is to do greif work and release tons of rpressed emotions. Its getting very difficult to do that and connect with my emotions as i am so numb.

Another thing i need to do is to talk -not just write - with someone on a regular basis, to increase my social contact and interaction. I have done enough in terms of disciplining myself and my mind but i failed to address my emotional needs. Morover i cant run from my desires by denying them, sex and touch is a part of it.

I have volunteered to teach a couple of days in a week in a free progress school. i really love being with children and so do they. I was doing this earlier also for a while but i didn't want to commit myself for a year and wanted to be free of any commitments for tomorrow so i had stopped teaching.  I had thought very naively that i was creating karma for myself by committing. But now i realise i have a long road to go before i resolve my emotional problems and i am not  free of karma, and anyways i have created so much karma already that i realised that i need to take up this job, at least for a year. since my problems are eminating from ym childhood, working with children is very therapeutic for me.

Besides this its important for me to go to a group and share and listen on a daily basis and at present NA is the only option i have.

Another thing i need to do is to develop an intimate relationship and also do something about my need for sex and the touch of which i have deprived myself for too long. This is something that really scare me because of fear of getting co-dependent or deviated from my path.

Reading and getting more ideas to solve and understand my problems is also a long term goal.

I try to take care of my diet, nutrition and exercise.

Basically its my emotional and pschological issues that i need to work upon.

This is what i am doing but currently i am really scared because i am just drifting away and getting complacent. I am slowly giving in to excitement and procastinating and  this is creating more and more confusio and i don't know why my intution is telling me that i would not be able to regenerate myself and get back my awareness...

i am also in doubt about taking ayurvedic medicines as they are sedating me, now this is where i need suggestions and help. One option is to tell my ayurvedic doctor is to remove or minimise as far possible the content  of herbs that are causing sedation and making me euphoric, while continue with other medecines to strenthen my nervous system. However at this stage when i am so dissociated, scared and anxious. where my mind itself has shut down, i can't access my memory, i have been feeling like i am living in a dream, totally numb, sometimes not being able to hear my own voice or feel my whole body i wonder if i need to slow down with the help of medicines.

in this state the anxiety of  trying to still be alert out of fear of  loosing my awareness and being manipulated by others has  made me all the more stressed and scared. I have a huge block of energy at the back of my head and my whole head is taught. And i just can't relax.

Since its a grim situation and my bei-chemistry and nervous system does need rest and balance i might consider taking these medcines for a short period say 15 days. Two days that i was on these medecines i did slow down a bit and could begin to remmeber things, the hypnotic effect of the medicines might help me integrate myself and get in touch with my subconscious mind.

Now this is a big decision and **** for me, because if i choose to slow down for 15-20 days and take these medicines there is a possibility of loosing my clarity of thought and discernment.  also this is going to futher repress my emotions and ability to feel. I am an addictive personality and currently defeated so i might resort to dependency especially when its through a doctor.

I really don't know what to do, my obsessiveness if to be treated medically would require medicines with antidepressant properties may it be herbs or chemicals,

I am quiting the allopathic ones for sure.

So this is it..

and yes i am tbegining to identify hoe my ego has gripped me by idenitying itself with my problems, this itself is begining of a new  freedom.

Love

Mr Truth

[Mr Truth]

Michael wrote:

even search for truth can be an obsession if taken to the extreme.

Michael this exactly is my problem, i can't stop and arrive at any truth or understanding. I am forever digging more and more arrive at  a very detailed and complex understanding of simple things, and most often being completely irrational, i am  thinking from a perspectives at the same time. An over active mind would be an understatement ..

  this need to be exact drives me from digging so much into things, to become so literal and rational that i get overwhelmed at my own findings makes me too complicated to even talk and explain.. It is because of this feeling of inadequacy and madness that has caused me to withdraw from my own mind and its painful thinking, whenever now i try to get back to a higher state of awareness i am so scared that my mind would resume its obsessive pursuits of finding imperfections...even with truth...

As a result i create a very complex reality and i suffer so much with my own thought system. I have always greived that i would not be able to explain to anyone how my mind works.

wanting to be understood perfectly also is my obsessiveness and it hinders me from even trying but now i am realising and

breaking out of it.....


but i feel really tired and exhausted, its very painful and i have been living in hell, always in my head....

 
Love

mr truth